Thunder boomed as lightning raced across the darkness of the midnight sky. Rain poured upon the soot black tiles of the terraced houses in the street and pounded a steady thrumming beat on the cars. A deathly chill had descended and the warm globes of light in the street lamps seemed to be strangled by the elements that ravaged the street outside.
A few faintly glowing lights, glimmered from the houses but any sounds which may have come from within were drowned out by the lashing rain.
Suddenly, the rain stopped. The wind abruptly finished its constant howling and the temperature dropped lower still. Cars near the centre of the street slowly paled as frost coated them with an icy shell.
Street lamps dimmed, flickered and then went out completely. Even the glows from inside the houses were snuffed out, one by one. A dog howled a mournful cry in the distance and the mood of the street changed.
It was then that the sky tore open.
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139,599 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
wow, really cool!
I personally love stories with people on the run!
that was wicked awesome!!
One thing:
"Suddenly, the rain stopped."
Ugh. Please, try not to use suddenly like this. It makes it look like you're trying too hard.
I loved the personification of the cars yelping their alarms.
I really enjoyed this! Well done, mate! *is anxiously watching for the next chapter*
Well it does really make me to read on but just afew questions first. there isn't really a clear picture being painted in my head i need a bit more detail. Um other wise it was great! keep on writing!
I used some pretty… technical words, so don’t be afraid to ask for definitions if you need them. The main issues I saw were clutter and redundancy and some commas, all of which are common in initial drafts. And there are times when I get a bit snarky, but I promise that there was no offense intended. ^^;
It’s a good beginning. Interesting. And I would like to read more. (Reynard has intrigued me.)
Thunder boomed as lightning raced across the darkness of the midnight sky.
”Darkness” and “midnight” both say the same thing: it’s dark. You could just as easily say “lightening raced across the midnight sky.” “Thunder boomed as lightning raced” could be spiced up, made more original. It’s very typical of thunder to boom and lightening to race. Actually, I liked the description “lightning arced” better, even if it was a typo. It made the lightening more encompassing, omniscient.
Rain poured upon the soot black tiles of the terraced houses and pounded a steady thrumming beat on the cars.
“Poured,” “pounded” and “thrumming beat” have similar connotations. The rain is heavy and it’s making noises. We’ve all heard the sound of a heavy rain, so you could easily describe the same thing in fewer words. Also, the description “soot black” could use a hyphen for clarification: “soot-black tiles.”
A deathly chill had descended and the warm globes of light in the street lamps seemed to be strangled by the elements that ravaged the city outside.
Here, I like the juxtaposition of “deathly chill” and “warm globes of light.” Still, you could tighten this sentence too. It looks like you need a comma after “descended” because this is a compound sentence. You have two subjects (“chill” and “globes”) doing two different things (“had descended” and “seemed”). Without the comma, it’s confusing, because I thought that we were still talking about the “chill” when you moved on to talk about the “globes.”
Also, there’s the passive voice. The lights were either “strangled by the elements,” or they weren’t. Yes, it “seemed” that way, but do you really have to say that? Be sure! Be concise! Get rid of qualifiers unless you really need them.
And aren’t most cities outside? ^^
A few faintly glowing lights glimmered from the houses, but any sounds which may have come from within were drowned out by the lashing rain.
Okay, “A few faintly glowing lights glimmered” is confusing and also repetitive (because "glowing" and "glimmered" are similar). You could shorten it by finding right verbs and the right adjective. You could say the lights are “scattered,” which generally means that there are only a few. “Glimmered faintly” is good, even if it does use an adverb. Play around with the words.
The worst part of this sentence is “any sounds which may have come from within…” The sounds are either coming, or they’re not. “But any sounds from within were drowned out…” Also, tacking “out” onto “drowned” is a form of common clutter, along with other prepositions like “up.” (“Up” is evil.)
Suddenly, without warning, the rain stopped.
Someone has already mentioned the redundancy of “Suddenly, without warning.” If you make this sentence super short, the syntax will emphasis how sudden it was. Play around with this sentence, reorganize it, say it out loud, and find which way works best. “Then the rain stopped.” That’s pretty sudden, out of nowhere. Or, if you like a smoother transition, keep either “suddenly” or “without warning,” but not both.
The wind abruptly ceased its constant howling and the temperature dropped lower still.
“Abruptly” is repetitive, and it is an adverb. The reason writers avoid adverbs is because 1) they encourage passive voice and 2) there is usually a verb that already incorporates that meaning. Verbs are key! Lifesavers! Holy grails! So wield them. (Wield. Not use. Wield.)
And I already had the impression that the wind was constant, because I’ve heard storms before and that’s usually what they sound like, so you don’t need to mention that it was a “constant howling.” “The temperature dropped lower still” is a little bit awkward, but it works.
Cars near the centre of the street slowly paled as frost coated them with an icy shell.
Why is it important for us to know that the cars were “near the centre of the street”? Does it make a difference where they were? Maybe you’re thinking “abandoned cars” or something like that.
I love the imagery of frost forming on the cars, though. It gives the sense of impending doom.
Street lamps dimmed, flickered and then went out completely.
Well the lamps were already dim, because they “glimmered faintly,” remember? I do, and that’s why this is repetitive. Once you give the reader an image, they can usually recall it a few paragraphs later, if you give them a nudge. And I would like a comma after “flickered,” please. It makes the sentence smoother to me. “Flickered” is a nice verb, by the way.
Even the glows from inside the houses were snuffed out, one by one.
You use “glow” and “globes” and “lamps” a lot. There are a lot of light words out there, so try more variety, unless you’re going for a sort of motif/symbol here. If you are, you could tie the light imagery in better throughout the piece. Makes things neater. I also think that you could combine this sentence with the one above to make one general sentence about the lights of the city dying. That way you could get rid of that awkward “Even.”
Also, try to use fewer prepositions. They can be hard to follow at times, and the fewer the better.
A dog howled a mournful cry in the distance and the mood of the street changed.
First thing, we’ve already figure out that the “mood of the street” has changed, because you’ve shown it to us! This part is like saying “She cried and cried, sobbing hysterically. She was sad.”
“Howled” and “cry” are pretty much the same thing, though they have different connotations. Also, think about “in the distance” and how it fits in this sentence. First we see a dog howling mournfully, and then we realize that we aren’t actually seeing the dog because he’s “in the distance.” (Confusing, right? These are very subtle mind jumps most people don’t notice, but when you have them sprinkled throughout a story, they make a difference. Things look foggier.) Which do you want to focus on? The dog, the sound, or the distance? I would say the sound, so make the description focus on that more than the others. The way you do that is by describing the sound as soon as possible in the sentence. Make it the subject, if you can. “A dog’s mournful howl…” and then find a nice verb, like “echoed” or “resounded.” (Verbs! VERBS!)
It was then that the sky tore open.
Awesome. Syntax again, see? Short sentences = sudden actions or important meanings. Shorts sentences give impact.
A jagged cut tore through the air in the middle of the street and brilliant white light streamed out of it. It was not a clean slice, but a ragged hack through the air that hung a good six-foot off the ground. Fiery light bled from the wound in the sky like a liquid, spilling out and running around it. Clinging on, never dripping.
Oh dear.
“Jagged cut tore.” “Not a clean slice.” “Ragged hack.” “Wound.” Do you see what I mean? Because the first sentence is a compound, please put a comma after “street.” And when you say the “sky tore open,” I picture the tear being in the sky, so why is it “through the air in the middle of the street”? (Which has far too many prepositions, by they way. I know that it’s “through the air”. Why is it “in the middle of the street”?) And what in the world is a “good six-foot off the ground?” How can “six-foot” be “good”?
Also, you used “through the air” twice in two sentences. And can a “jagged/not a clean cut/ragged hack/wound” hang? If it’s part of the sky (which is apparently a “good six-foot off the ground”), why is it hanging off of itself?
And here’s another “light” word, and it bleeds “like a liquid, spilling out.” (Where else is it going to spill?) If it’s bleeding, of course it’s a liquid. And “running around it”? Does it have legs suddenly? Yes, liquid can run, but “running around it” really makes me think legs.
If it’s “clinging on,” then it must not be dripping, so… your point is? And eradicate the word “on”! Gah, so useless, this evil “on”!
But keep the “wound” metaphor. That part is gold. Just… scrap the other 90% of that last paragraph.
The frost on the cars vaporized almost as soon as the cut was made and tore free from the cars before spiralling into the air above them.
”Almost as soon as” is another qualifier that you don’t need. What “tore free from the cars”? You lost me. What’s “spiralling into the air above them”? (And isn’t air obviously above?) And who/what is “them”? Too many pronouns, and your antecedents aren't clear enough. Just a confusing sentence over all. I do like how you noted the “vaporizing” frost though.
The streetlamps flared back to life and blazed out across the street.
More light words: “flared” and “blazed.” I’m seeing a lot of streetlamps for such a short period of time. If you just said “the city lights,” we’d know exactly what you were talking about because of prior descriptions. “City lights” are obviously street lamps and house lights. “Out” is evil clutter that sneaks into your vocabulary. Annihilate it. “Blazed across the street” is vague. Use a verb like “illuminated,” or something along those lines.
The heavens opened and the rain started a renewed assault, but with a difference.
Another compound sentence requiring a comma after “opened.” “The rain started a renewed assault” is passive and could be shortened to “The rain renewed it’s assault.” “But with a difference” is awkward. What difference? Don’t tell us there’s a difference, show/explain it.
As soon as the drops of water hit the ground around the cut they boiled and disappeared, subject to the heat of the raw energy pouring from it, turning, almost instantly, to steam.
Okay. What?
The water hits the ground and boils into vapor because of… heat coming from “it.”
Way too many words in this sentence. You’re losing important details among the clutter. Focus on the most important part of this sentence: what happens to the rain. Remember, the way to focus on that is to mention it as soon as possible within the sentence. And clearly state what “it” is.
“As soon as” and “almost instantly” are clutter. “Hit the ground around the cut” can be shortened—too many prepositions. “Boiled and disappeared” and “turning to steam” are the same thing. “Raw energy” is usually hot, isn’t it?
An unearthly sound shrieked through the cut, as it got larger, tearing open, like the mouth of a child wailing in agony.
If it “shrieked,” then it must be a “sound.” If it’s a “cut” and “it got larger,” then it must be “tearing open.” Also, you don’t need that comma before “as it got larger.” Plus, “got larger” is a pitiful verb.
“Like the mouth of a child wailing in agony.” <3 I adore this simile. It looks like you’re personifying the tear, so work more with that. A child’s mouth doesn’t really “tear open” (I hope), so you may consider placing the simile somewhere else, or rewording the sentence. It almost looks like a misplaced modifier where it is now.
The piercing scream rose to a screech and a low rumble joined it.
”Piercing scream” = “unearthly shriek” = “wailing in agony” = “screech”. You’re trying to describe the sounds as building, but it’s not working because too many of the descriptions are similar. Instead of going step by step in your description, why not make it more of an active sentence and say that the “shriek escalated,” or something along those lines?
The humming was so deep and loud that it shook the street and car alarms started yelping in terror, mere fleas to the noise around them.
Here’s another compound sentence that needs a comma after “street.” Why is the shaking limited to just the street? You could say “that the ground shook,” and it would be more impressive. Also, your “yelping” and “fleas” metaphor conflicts with the “baby” simile two sentences ago.
Without warning, the cut’s cry of anguish fell away and the light dimmed. The fire in its heart burned lower and shadows could be seen swirling through it. They were falling, falling inexorably towards the street.
Compound sentence again; comma after “away.” (Remember, when you have two subjects [“cry” and “light”] doing different actions [“fell away” and “dimmed”] in one sentence, it’s a compound.)
But for some reason, I don’t think you need a comma in the second sentence even though it fits the conditions for being a compound. It may be because of the “it” pronoun referencing back to “fire,” the first subject, but I’m not sure.
Here’s where personifying the tear would come in handy, because it would make the “cry of anguish” more plausible. And “cry of anguish” is repetitive (just like me). Can a cry of anguish fall away? Try a different verb.
<3 I love the “falling, falling inexorably” part.
Then the awful shriek returned, this time at a climax. For a moment, the sound even sounded like a song, but that moment passed and the cut retched.
It’s good to use various descriptions for the same thing. (I’m thinking “piercing shriek” and “unearthly scream” and “awful shriek,” etc.) But you don’t want to use too many of them because it gets (yes) repetitive. If you just found a way to get rid of most of them, it would be fine and dandy. “This time at a climax” is awkward. “Sound even sounded” sounds awful.
Like I said, going step by step in the description makes it repetitive, so telling the events in general would probably be better.
I love how the “cut retched.” Except maybe you could say the “gash retched.” “Cut” is a plain word, and it makes me think of a little kid with a scratch on his/her finger..
Out of the now blazing maw, eight people fell.
”Maw” is a lovely word. Again, the syntax adds to the moment. But you don’t need “now.”
All dressed in the same dark clothing, an ear of corn emblazoned on their backs. As they dropped, some of the burning light seeped out too, burning deep gouges into everything it touched. Each figure plunged downwards, one by one, rolling smoothly up to their feet in the same slick style.
The fragment is awkward; try to combine it with another sentence, or rephrase it. The word “some” weakens your sentence; rephrase that, too. You don’t really need the “too” after “seeped out.” (By the way, this “out” isn’t so evil, so it’s safe.) You used “burning” twice in one sentence.
You could say “Each figure plunged, one by one,” and it would still make sense because where else do you plunge but downward? And here’s that evil “up.” Obliterate it. And if they roll “smoothly to their feet,” isn’t that the same as rolling in a “slick style”? I do enjoy the alliteration, but it’s still *sigh* repetitive. I would suggest you say “rolling to their feet in the same slick style” so that you avoid the adverb “smoothly.” And "rolling" is a good verb here; it helps that "smoothness" along.
They stood together, in an arc, and surveyed the cut as it died.
You don’t need the commas here—they hamper the flow. It’s just one subject (“they”) doing multiple actions (“stood” and “surveyed”), so it’s not a compound.
Again, “cut” is a plain word. Gash, tear, gap, breach, rip, rupture—find a thesaurus and pick one. And using more personification earlier in the story would help here, too. Emphasize it.
“This, my comrades,” a cloaked figure whispered, “is the punishment for failure.”
My quibble here is “a.” It ruins the moment for me. Try something like “’This, my comrades,’ one of the cloaked figures whispered, ‘is the punishment for failure.’”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the other side of the cut Reynard had been running for over a year and at last he was cornered.
Need a comma after “cut” (and go back to that thesaurus!). Draw this part out so that the reader feels the impact of Reynard’s fear more keenly.
His fingers shook slightly as he raked them back through his long black hair, a habit picked up whilst on the run.
You don’t need “slightly.” It seems like you do, but you don’t. (I’ve used it a lot myself, but I usually go back and cut it.) And you don’t need “back.”
As he looked about, he chastised himself for being so easily deceived. Surrounded by solid rock; the steep walls of the canyon he had been backed into were dry and smooth. He was trapped.
I would second-guess that semicolon; it makes a fragment, and semicolons connect two related, complete thoughts.
“You are tricky to chase little fox,” a dark robed figure hissed, “but now you have been caught. No more surprises for us!”
Put a comma before “Little Fox” and capitalized the nickname. I’m quibbling with this “a” as well.
At the sight of the shadowy robes he paled and felt his heart skip a beat.
”At the sight of,” meaning they suddenly appeared? And that’s the second time you’ve mentioned “dark/shadowy robes.”
A soulwrath? I can’t fight one of them!
I would italicize this to show that it’s a thought, and to emphasize Reynard’s panic.
And out of curiosity, is a “soulwrath” different from a “soulwraith”? “Soulwrath” makes me think “anger” while “soulwraith” makes me think of an especially frightening ghost. I wasn't sure if that was a typo or a different creature.
For the first time in one hundred years, Reynard feared for his life.
Awesome.
Two men crept round the rock littered canyon floor towards him; their cruel knives glittered in the blinding sunlight.
How do you creep around a floor? Make it clear; they “crept toward him round the rocks that littered the canyon floor.” And I’m not sure about that “cruel.” It may be a little too much.
Small clouds of gritty orange dust danced around their footsteps before settling back down onto the rock beneath them.
”Back down onto the rock beneath them” is clutter, because where the dust settles isn’t very important. You could replace all of that with “again,” and it would be fine.
As they edged closer, soft leather boots creaking in time with their steps, their quarry shifted his feet apart into a steady combat stance and drew his sword. He bent his knees slightly and raised his weapon into a high guard, the thin blade catching the brightest light, before spitting on the floor in front of him.
“Your lives for the cause,” Reynard apologised as he broke the defensive stance and sprinted towards his attackers holding the rapier an inch from the floor.
Hm. “Toward” is better than “towards,” in my opinion. And… you might want a comma before “holding,” but it could be either way.
Also, when I picture someone charging with their blade held low, as you describe, I think of a samurai. Except that samurai don’t use rapiers. So. I'm not sure if that's just you spicing up the action or someting that rapier-users really do, and I know nothing about swords, so I'll just mention it and leave it alone.
________________
My last tip is to examine and pick apart Every. Single. Sentence. And then to make them all flow together and tie into a neat bundle.
Like I said, it is a good beginning. I can tell you’re going to be an awesome writer.
And (if you're not too unhappy with me) I look forward to reading more.
I'll take whatever help I can get so if you have a full critique then go for it!
, have me critiquing you after that though 
.
You will, whether you like it or not
It depends if you want to risk it
(No really, I want the critique!)
DarkLight
Um. How much do you love a thorough critique?
P.S. I only do thorough critiques for pieces that I like, so don't take that the wrong way. >.>
I've actually already started, but it's growing longer than I expected. I do think it would help immensely, though. Depending on whether or not you're willing to go through it.
I'm Interested. I want to know more.
Probably my fauvorite part so far.
But I wouldn't call a rapier a good choice of a weapon. It's a dueling/fencing weapon. Maybe a cutless or longsword?
I will come by every now and again to see what is new.
it was fantastic, the cut opens, prologue was really good.
You have good descriptions...but too much of it and the plot was kinda slow.
But I'm interested to see where this will head, this kinda reminds me of kindgom hearts from the robed men.
I also think that your intro was too epic for me, like it was too large scale with the sky tearing apart, but that's my opinion.
Looking forward to chapter 1
Thanks Lyndzi, I agree on your point about the wind 'finishing' but I like the other two bits and, personally, think they are better like that.
Unfortunately, you'll have to bear with me as I spell 'centre' incorrectly. This is because I'm British and in England the word is spelt 'centre'. That is just how it is where I live and if I get into the habit of writing 'center' for your benefit I'll get told off by my English teacher!
Thanks guys, working on Chapter 1. Still need more time!
DarkLight
it pretty good and i like the description, but a few of your sentences sound kind of strange to say
Thunder boomed as lightning raced across the darkness of the midnight sky.
A deathly chill had descended and the warm globes of light in the street lamps seemed to be strangled by the elements that ravaged the city outside.
The wind abruptly finished its constant
Cars near the centre of the street
like in this sentance it sounds like you should say and instead of as
And you should make this into maybe two sentanses or put a comma between AND & THE because you switched to a different thought suddenly
and here maybe you should say stopped instead of finished it sound like it was a race or something
howling
you spelt center wrong
other then that it all really good
lyndzi[/quote]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Prologue: The Cut Opens.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thunder boomed as lightning raced across the darkness of the midnight sky. Rain poured upon the soot black tiles of the terraced houses and pounded a steady thrumming beat on the cars. A deathly chill had descended and the warm globes of light in the street lamps seemed to be strangled by the elements that ravaged the city outside.
A few faintly glowing lights glimmered from the houses, but any sounds which may have come from within were drowned out by the lashing rain.
Suddenly, without warning, the rain stopped. The wind abruptly ceased its constant howling and the temperature dropped lower still. Cars near the centre of the street slowly paled as frost coated them with an icy shell.
Street lamps dimmed, flickered and then went out completely. Even the glows from inside the houses were snuffed out, one by one. A dog howled a mournful cry in the distance and the mood of the street changed.
It was then that the sky tore open.
A jagged cut tore through the air in the middle of the street and brilliant white light streamed out of it. It was not a clean slice, but a ragged hack through the air that hung a good six-foot off the ground. Fiery light bled from the wound in the sky like a liquid, spilling out and running around it. Clinging on, never dripping.
The frost on the cars vaporized almost as soon as the cut was made and tore free from the cars before spiralling into the air above them. The streetlamps flared back to life and blazed out across the street. The heavens opened and the rain started a renewed assault, but with a difference. As soon as the drops of water hit the ground around the cut they boiled and disappeared, subject to the heat of the raw energy pouring from it, turning, almost instantly, to steam.
An unearthly sound shrieked through the cut, as it got larger, tearing open, like the mouth of a child wailing in agony. The piercing scream rose to a screech and a low rumble joined it. The humming was so deep and loud that it shook the street and car alarms started yelping in terror, mere fleas to the noise around them.
Without warning, the cut’s cry of anguish fell away and the light dimmed. The fire in its heart burned lower and shadows could be seen swirling through it. They were falling, falling inexorably towards the street.
Then the awful shriek returned, this time at a climax. For a moment, the sound even sounded like a song, but that moment passed and the cut retched.
Out of the now blazing maw, eight people fell. All dressed in the same dark clothing, an ear of corn emblazoned on their backs. As they dropped, some of the burning light seeped out too, burning deep gouges into everything it touched. Each figure plunged downwards, one by one, rolling smoothly up to their feet in the same slick style.
They stood together, in an arc, and surveyed the cut as it died.
“This, my comrades,” a cloaked figure whispered, “is the punishment for failure.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the other side of the cut Reynard had been running for over a year and at last he was cornered. His fingers shook slightly as he raked them back through his long black hair, a habit picked up whilst on the run. As he looked about, he chastised himself for being so easily deceived. Surrounded by solid rock; the steep walls of the canyon he had been backed into were dry and smooth. He was trapped.
“You are tricky to chase little fox,” a dark robed figure hissed, “but now you have been caught. No more surprises for us!”
At the sight of the shadowy robes he paled and felt his heart skip a beat.
A soulwrath? I can’t fight one of them!
For the first time in one hundred years, Reynard feared for his life.
Two men crept round the rock littered canyon floor towards him; their cruel knives glittered in the blinding sunlight. Small clouds of gritty orange dust danced around their footsteps before settling back down onto the rock beneath them. As they edged closer, soft leather boots creaking in time with their steps, their quarry shifted his feet apart into a steady combat stance and drew his sword. He bent his knees slightly and raised his weapon into a high guard, the thin blade catching the brightest light, before spitting on the floor in front of him.
“Your lives for the cause,” Reynard apologised as he broke the defensive stance and sprinted towards his attackers holding the rapier an inch from the floor.
Thanks loads Myth and Author13, I've made the changes and I think it's got a lot better.
.
Thanks for the warning about too much repetition, I'll try to watch out for that from now on!
I guess I'll write a bit more now I have half term, I'll post the entire edited version after this one then go do some more critiquing
Thanks everyone for your time.
ok i ignored the rest of the posts but i read hitc. and all i say besides the typo DONT CHANGE IT!!! i want to know what happens next!! post more! POST MORE!!!
Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review
*
Try not to repeat ‘street’ so often, it is possible to write that paragraph without so many ‘street’.
I don’t think that comma is correctly placed, it breaks the flow but I could be wrong.
Mood of the street? What does that mean? Like the atmosphere or something?
This is probably just me and my own opinion but vapour is ‘watery’ and ‘whooshing’ is something linked with the wind element. Or you can just take it out, vaporising is like melting, right?
Wow, exploded is so huge for streetlamps. How about ‘flash’ or something else?
I got the impression this was happening in just one area and then you involve the city, does it take place in every street at once?
My Word says ‘rose’ should be ‘raised’ and I think I agree.
^^^ See quote
Again, avoid repetition of ‘fell’. And ‘whatever’ could be ‘everything’?
Take out ‘his’. Good thing adding the habit, it gives a little impression of what he is like.
These are his thoughts and it isn’t really necessary to have them in quotation marks.
Is this happening just after ‘the cut’ appeared? If so wouldn’t it still be dark? Or did you mean it was on the other side, meaning the other world?
*
Hello Dark Light.
Please, please make sure you keep your comments and the actual story on separate posts—it is annoying and I had thought they were part of the story.
Anyway, you have an interesting beginning here. I especially like the ‘cut’ and how it affects the surroundings around it—vaporising the ice, stopping the rain suddenly, etc.
You tend to be repetitious, it isn’t always bad but you do it so close together that it looks bad, if you know what I mean. And towards the end you do the same with ‘he’. Just start off with the characters name, sometimes it isn’t too great to have a mysterious character running and then throwing a name in later on and expect the reader to say, “Oh, so he is the guy running.”
Soulwrath. Interesting, I’m curious as to what part they play here. Is this still only the beginning or have you started chapter one?
Try to post long chapters, or if you have short chapters then post them together.
-- Myth
Thanks Lilyy03 and Shafter. I've made the changes you suggested and I'll have a look at the beginning when I work out where this story is going
. I'll post this for now and then try and write a slightly larger chunk soon.
On the other side of the cut a man had been running for over a year and at last he was cornered. His fingers shook slightly as he raked his them back through his long black hair, a habit he had picked up whilst on the run. As he looked about, he chastised himself for being so easily deceived. He was surrounded by solid rock; the steep walls of the canyon he had been backed into were dry and smooth. He was trapped.
“You are tricky to chase little fox,” a dark robed figure hissed, “but now you have been caught. No more surprises for us!”
At the sight of the shadowy robes he paled and felt his heart skip a beat.
“A soulwrath?” He thought, “I can’t fight one of them!”
For the first time in one hundred years, Reynard feared for his life.
Two men crept round the rock littered canyon floor towards him; their cruel knives glittered in the blinding sunlight. Small clouds of gritty orange dust danced around their footsteps before settling back down onto the rock beneath them. As they edged closer, their soft leather boots creaking in time with their steps, their quarry shifted his feet apart into a steady combat stance and drew his sword. He bent his knees slightly and raised his weapon into a high guard, the thin blade catching the brightest light, before spitting on the floor in front of him.
“Your lives for the cause,” he apologised as he broke the defensive stance and sprinted towards his attackers holding the rapier an inch from the floor.
Yeah... It was a dark and stormy night... ^_~
Other than that, I did like this. It's especially good that you end each exerpt you post with something different and just jarring enough--it kept me reading and I'm looking forward to seeing more.
DANG!! Darklight, this is awesome!!
Even though, as a general rule, you're not supposed to start a story with weather, the sheer forboding of it all kept me reading. You have vivid description that gripped me and didn't let go.
Just a few things:
"Suddenly, without warning," is a redundancy.
"The streetlamps exploded back to life and blazed out across the street illuminating the city."
Comma after "street."
Please let me know when you post more!
Cheers! ~Shafter
Thank you very much HeadInTheClouds, I'm sorry that I haven't written enough but it's a bit of a work in progress. I've made the changes that you highlighted and feel a bit silly about the typo at the beginning
. I'd like to add a bit more that I've written on to the end.
A jagged cut tore through the air in the middle of the street and brilliant white light streamed out of it. It was not a clean slice, but a ragged hack through the air that hung a good six-foot off the ground. Fiery light bled from the wound in the sky like a liquid, spilling out and running around it. Clinging on, never dripping.
The frost on the cars vaporized almost as soon as the cut was made, tearing free of the cars with a sudden whooshing sound. The streetlamps exploded back to life and blazed out across the street, illuminating the city. The heavens opened and the rain started a renewed assault, but with a difference. As soon as the drops of water hit the ground around the cut they boiled and disappeared, subject to the heat of the raw energy pouring from it, turning, almost instantly, to steam.
An unearthly sound screeched through the cut, as it got larger, tearing open, like the mouth of a child wailing in agony. The screech rose an octave and a low rumble joined it. The humming was so deep and loud that it shook the street and car alarms started yelping in terror, mere fleas to the noise around them.
Without warning, the cut’s cry of anguish fell away and the light dimmed. The fire in its heart burnt lower and shadows could be seen swirling through it. They were falling, falling inexorably towards the street.
Then the awful shriek returned, this time at a climax. For a moment, the sound even sounded like a song, but that moment passed and the cut retched.
Out of the now blazing maw, eight people fell. All dressed in the same dark clothing, an ear of corn emblazoned on their backs. As they fell, some of the burning light fell too, burning deep gouges into whatever it touched. Each figure plunged downwards, one by one, rolling smoothly up to their feet in the same slick style.
They stood together, in an arc, and surveyed the cut as it died.
“This, my brothers,” a cloaked figure whispered, “is the punishment for failure.”
That was very good, if not a bit short. It really made me want to see what happens next.
I think you mean raced.
Something about that doesn't flow. I think you should just put "It was then that the sky tore open" or something like that.
Overall I thought that was great. It really gave me a mental picture of what was going on. If I read that at a library or bookstore I would definitely want to read more.